Short jokes
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.
What do you call a paralyzed turtle?
Shell shocked.
I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.
I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme."
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
Why can’t the blind man find love?
It’s called love at first sight.
Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.
Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!
I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.