Short jokes
Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...
Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?
Doctor: 9... 8... 7...
What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?
Hitler knows when to kill himself!
Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?
I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What's the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?
A ginger with friends.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
How do you name an Asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
Yo mamma so stupid, she starved to death in a grocery store.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender.
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)
Dear Slim Shady,
balls.
Incest.
When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.
Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.
He was the best pilot in Arab.
How are mountains able to see?
They peak!