Short jokes

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.

When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?

Chocolate drops.

What's the problem with 9/11 jokes?

They are just two plane.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?

Family restaurants.

How did the rich save the poor?

They didn't let them in the Titanic.

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.

All orphans must be gay because they are not home o'fobic.

I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!

Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.