Short jokes
You can't be a loser if you have nothing to lose.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Statue of Liberty? The statue stands for something.
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?
I tried dressing up as the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers for the office costume party.
It didn't land too well.
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright.
Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
What is a priest's favorite song?
-- Magic Flute in A minor.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
9/11 jokes aren't funny. They are just plane wrong.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
Once I saw a girl crying and asked, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at orphanages.