Stage jokes
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.
ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
What’s the best part about stage four cancer?
There’s no stage five.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
There was once a Spanish magician. He said, "Uno, dos..." and he disappeared without a tres.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
Yo Mama so thin, when she signed up to be a stripper she became the pole
"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"
"It was only the Bass!"
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
The 5 year old with cancer is going through a mid-life crisis.