Short jokes
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
Why are fish easy to measure?
Because they bring their own scales.
On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.
What do turtles and lesbians have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
Nevermind, it's retarded.
My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.
What did the downs kid get on his math test??
Drool.
What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?
What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.
What's Kobe's favorite song? "It's Going Down" for real.
What did the cake say to the fork?
"Do you want a piece of me!!!"
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.