Short jokes
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”
Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”
You gotta give it to JD Vance. He is consistent; he is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
Well, somebody has to cushion the blow.
How did the Shaggy defense become successful for JD Vance?
He was not banging on the sofa. Rather, he was banging the sofa!
Why was baptism invented?
How else was a priest supposed to clean his sex toys?
What was the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?
Taxi.
Why don't phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.
He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
What do a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.
What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?
They both have plastic in them.
Where do you buy a dishwasher?
Hot singles in your area.
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
Woman: "I want coffee, black."
Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"