Short jokes
My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
I don't struggle with depression, I'm used to it.
I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.
My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.
Why did the chicken cross the road? cuz he saw a chic 😉
My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.
I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"
How do you find out if your kid is gay?
Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.
What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
Why is a wet pavement like playing music?
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
Why does Spiderman only have 11 months in his calendar?
Because he lost May!
Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?
The recoil.
roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.
Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.
So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."
Why do I have to go to a shooting range when I can go to school and do it for free?