Short jokes
People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."
Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."
What did one twin tower say to the other? "Be back, I gotta catch a plane."
What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.
What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?
They both have plastic in them.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.
Why did Mexicans go to Area 51?
To show them what a real illegal alien looks like.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”
Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”
I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.
He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
What do you call an Irish lesbian? A gay lick.