Short jokes
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
What did the skeleton say to Shrek?
"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."
Puzzle
Q: What do bloods eat when they get sick?
A: Chicken noodle suwoop.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!
Your mum. That's all I need to say.
Q: What did Darth Vader say to his smashed wristwatch?
A: I find your lack of face disturbing.
If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?
What's another place orphans can't work at besides SC Johnson?
The Home Depot.
When you start sweating after filling in "C" for the third time in a row.
Orphan: I'm hungry.
Dad: Let's go to KFC.
Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!
Why can't orphans play baseball? They can't run home.
One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
Why did Jeffrey eat all the ice cream in one sitting?
To make room in the freezer for his special meat.
Q: Did you hear about the Twin Towers?
A: No, what happened?
Q: Apparently, the design was fundamentally floored!
I am starting a frog cult now!