Short jokes

Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.

Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.

I threw a paralyzed kid into the fireplace and called him hotwheels.

DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.

SON: Why?

DAD: You're going to need them.

modern feminism.

What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?

My dick.

What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?

Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

What goes Snap, Crackle, and Pop?

A neck.

Why can't a kid with ADHD shoot a gun?

Their focus is always off.

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?

My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.

Is it just me, or are magnets really attractive?

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"

Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."

Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.