Short jokes

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

Why is a wet pavement like playing music?

If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?

The recoil.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?

Flatman and Ribbon.

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.

I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn’t solve inequalities.

I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.