Short jokes
What is the worst player in basketball? LeBron James.
Russia is worse than the USSR.
Russia is just a bonerless USSR.
Who's Paul Walker's close friend?
Tree.
The British Society of Psychics' annual convention had to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances!
What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?
If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.
What is Meat Loaf's new name now that he has passed?
Ground beef.
From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”
What do you call someone who has sex with foals, calves, and lambs? A Quadrupedophile.
Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?
Shut up and pass me the note.
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
Mommy, mommy! Are we outlaws? Your stepmom thinks so.
Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?
Shut up and keep sewing!
"Mommy, Mommy! Are we going to live forever?"
"Only in your dreams."
Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?
"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."
You’re looking pretty rough this evening. You look like if sweatpants were a person.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
WHO'S THERE?
*Starts putting up hand signs.*
I can't walk, I can't talk, but I can drive a wheelchair.
For sale: Wheelchair, one careful owner, no longer needed.
There were ten in the bed and the little one said... "Roll over..."
Stephen Hawking was a bit of a hardcase. He didn't let people push him around.