Short jokes
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce out of school early!
Knock knock!!
Who's there??
Dishwasher!!
Dishwasher who??
Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
What do you call a bitch?
You call it a female dog.
What is a Jedi's favorite Italian dessert?
Obi-Wan Cannoli.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.
I'm really bad at giving directions, but don't take that the wrong way.
Gvido gubis.
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
What do you call a dog magician?
Labracadabrador!
What's a pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake.
Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.
You want a pizza from me!!!!
What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.
When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?
Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.
Myles Parfitt ;/