Short jokes
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
Gvido gubis.
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.
What's the fastest way to Shepherd's Bush?
Up Shepherd's leg.
What do inner city schools and databases have in common?
Their problems are usually caused by a race condition.
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
When did I wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?
I don't eat the fruit.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
...You can't call it anything. It won't come to you.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?
A wet pebble.
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm!
Your dick is like a shotgun, one cock and you're ready to fire.
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.
I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.