Short jokes
My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.
Why do women get periods?
Just cancel the subscription.
Your mum stinks of disabled people.
Wanna know why?
I don't know either, you tell me.
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?
Did you see the blind guy trip on a can?
He didn't either.
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
If you ever think no one cares about you,
kill someone, then the news will.
"Where do young trees go to learn?"
"Elementree school."
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.