Short jokes
If being near immortal was a normal thing, I bet wanting to die would've been too.
What do a Rubik's Cube and a dick have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"
*Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"
What do you call a rude math teacher with a lisp?
A mathive dick.
What do you call a black couple who's on welfare and food stamps?
Lay-Z and Freeyonce.
Why was the gay boy fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught embezzling.
Depressed caller: "I'm done with everything!"
Responder: "Please hang on!"
What's the difference between a female NCO and a zebra?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
What happens after you eat at a combination Chinese-German restaurant?
An hour later, you're hungry—for power!
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They throw a wok down the stairs.
What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?
Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.
What's Elizabeth Warren's nickname?
Pocahontas
Why didn't the oyster share its pearl?
Because it was a cunt.
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A Gaelic.
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White Vans.
It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.
Life with depression is like a cheeseburger.
It's not good without the cheese.
What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Getting them back in the wheelchair.
What did the Indian say when the pizza was delivered to him?
"Hey! Who puked on the frybread?"