Short jokes
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
Why do vegans hate sex?
They don't want to say they had a meat in 'em.
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
We’re so poor, we can’t even afford free stuff.
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
What was the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
Another condom name is "Orphan's Home."
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."
What's the worst thing to hear in a prison shower?
"Drop the soap, we've got you surrounded."
Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!
What's one way to drain someone's ego?
Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.
Why is there a big old gay parade on one of the first days of summer?
Pride always cometh before the fall.
Why is there no phone in China?
Too many wings, too many wongs; might wing wrong number.
I only have sex with suicidal bitches because that pussy [is] limited edition.
Did you know Yao Ming has the biggest penis in Chinese history? It measured in at nearly 5 inches!
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite type of candy?
A: Loli-pops.
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro.
Why is the cheetah so bad at hide-n-seek? Because every time she hides, she will always [be] spotted.
Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.