Short jokes
"Alex! We need to talk! Now!"
What do orphans and apples not have in common? Apples get picked.
My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.
Why did the painting go to jail? Because it was framed!
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Answer: Your right elbow.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It gets finished pretty quickly if you're a fat guy.
Gwen, let's chat at night for about 1 hour! I want to get to know each other better!
P.S., it's Jake.
Me: *watching TV*
Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!
Me: Really?
Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
Why did the orphan go to the woods? To take a *what*?
I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI."
Yo mama so fat that when she was on the moon, she had it sent right into the abyss of outer space.
What did the acorn say when it grew up?
Geometry.
(Geometry= "Gee, I'm a tree!")
Why was the train late?
It kept getting sidetracked.
Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁
Are you my friend?
Because I would make you more than that.
What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags its tail, and the other tags a whale!