Short jokes
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
Your hairline is so big, I couldn't find the area of it on Jupiter.
You're so bald that Disney uses your head for movie scripts.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.
What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?
The Incredibles.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.
What do you call a guy who loves to eat out a hoe's pussy?
Answer: a Carnivwhore.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.