Short jokes
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Your forehead so big you got to go outside to think.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
You learn something new every day.
Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.
What do you call Canadian weed? Canadabis.
What's the food orphans can't eat?
Family-sized ice cream.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries."
Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"
Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.
"You is so black your mama fainted."
Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.
I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
WOULD YOU RATHER:
Eat 20 lbs of cow s**t?
or
Drink a gallon of sperm?
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
Uremn es abarancin yngnumma gety asuma qshi tun?
If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?