I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.
Short Jokes
What is the difference between me and a fire?
It's hot.
"Wow... That ship is beautiful! I wonder what will happen if I ram into it..." - Iceberg, 1912.
Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.
I guess they're whore-ible.
I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.
Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!
What hit the ground first in 9/11? The people.
Yo mama so stupid, she shoved a battery up her butt and said, "I GOT THE POWER!"
You're so fat,
when you stepped on the scale,
Buzz Lightyear came out and said,
"To infinity and beyond!"
You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
What does the A stand for in "orphan, adopt" from the orphan company?
Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?
A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!
What do you call a group of emos?
Suicide Squad.
My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
TV Darth Vader: "I'm your father!"
Orphans: "Yea."
Lynx Africa is based on a nice smell. Do you think Lynx England would smell like Stella and disappointment?
