Short jokes
Why could dinosaurs not talk? Because they were dead.
Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.
Do you know what the hardest part of school is?
Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?
My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
What's the difference between a toaster and a ten-year-old Chinese girl? A Japanese soldier would regret sticking his d*ck into a toaster.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
Your hairline is so far back Sherlock couldn't solve that mystery.
Why can't emos have ADD?
'Cause they are already scatter-brained.
My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.
What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?
They both have torn rotators.
I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.
Why do most guns in America have an average mag/clip size of only 30?
Because that's the average class size in America.
Why doesn't Elon Musk like Taco Bell?
It gives him gas.
I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
What's still together after all the sh*t they've been through? Your butt cheeks.
What has 30 legs but can't swim?
A bus full of children!
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
What's the difference between a human and a potato? There is none, you can eat both.
I see 2 fighting with 3. "What's going on?" I ask. 5 responds: "The numbers are moving on up."