Short jokes
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?
She started her period.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
What is Donald Trump’s favorite nation? – Discrimination.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.