Short jokes
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
3.14% of sailors are...
π-rates.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.