Short jokes
I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.
I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"
What did the Queen Bee say to the other bees? "Beehive yourselves!"
What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.
Wanna hear a terrible joke?
Paper
Pretty tear-able, huh?
When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.
What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.
How do Chinese people play in Spy?
They can't.
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
Your face.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Student: At home...
Teacher: What's it doing there?
Student: Having a better time than me.
My life.
Kill me, please.
What do you get if you add "ER" onto Hamburg?
Hamburg-ER.
The ice cream man tried to murder me today.
I fell down yesterday.