Short jokes
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
Why are New Yorkers so good at reading?
Some of them went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
What's a Mexican's favorite video game?
Borderlands.
Why are Americans so bad at Chess?
They're missing two towers.
What did the mermaid wear for math class?
Algaebra.
What's simultaneously up and down?
A retard on a plane.
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.