Short jokes
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?
She started her period.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
What is Donald Trump’s favorite nation? – Discrimination.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.
What is a gathering of octopuses called?
Octoposse.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"