Short jokes

I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.

Your face.

How does Hellen Keller drive?

With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.

Teacher: Where's your homework?

Student: At home...

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better time than me.

My life.

Kill me, please.

What do you get if you add "ER" onto Hamburg?

Hamburg-ER.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

I fell down yesterday.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite food? Meals on wheels.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!

Who's never the last man standing?

Stephen Hawking.

My friend is gay lol. I'm a spagetie fucc, lemme smash, Becky!

What does Hellen Keller call her dog?

"NAUSHFBUYGWF"

Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

Then: You want free candy?

Now: You want free Wi-Fi?

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!