Short jokes

How do you make the grass cut itself?

Make it depressed.

I wasn't going to tell another emo joke, but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging.

The best part about Asian jokes is that the only people that can be offended can't see the jokes.

What’s the difference between me and Glow In The Dark Intelligent Putty? The putty’s intelligent!

Roses are red, I'm not a boaster.

Elon must've got rushed to the hospital after impregnating a toaster.

When you reconstruct Michael Jackson and Lil Nas X to wreak havoc on preschool.

Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.

I’m in catholic school.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."

There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."

Cheap oil, no immigration, and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

I'm gonna open up a bar for emos.

I think I'll call it "The Cutting Board."

Some people think emo jokes are funny, but I think it can cut both ways.

Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”

Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.