Short jokes
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Craps on your organ.
How did you get into the tampon 100?
Pull some strings!
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe? White vans.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Why are people from New York so bad at chess?
Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.
Your hairline is so far back, your barber didn't know where to start.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!