Short jokes

"Break me a piece of that Kit Kat bar."

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

"Look, Ma! I peed in the pool!"

Someone cutting the cheese then farted.

Someone sees the cheese, and it smelled like crap (literally). He said, "Who cut the cheese?"

Technically, we have all been deeper in our mom than our dads have.

What’s the difference between a barcode and Rachel Sutherland’s wrist?

Nothing, they both get scanned for a fresh new pack of razor blades.

What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.

Why is the USA so bad at chess?

Because they already lost two towers.

What do kids play when they can't play with a phone?

Bored games.

Why does a woodpecker have a beak?

So as to not smash his head against the tree.

My sister said you smell, but then she saw her panties having moles on it.

I like zebras.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

What did an orange say the day before going to work?

"Back to the rind!"

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.

Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Dad, am I adopted?

NO! Why would I ever choose you?

Did you hear that Uranus is cracked?

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.