Short jokes
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
What's a pedo's favorite snack?
Sour Patch Kids.
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
How do you stop an argument between two deaf people? Switch off the lights.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A roamin' Catholic.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Why did the Jew get an electric car?
Because he was afraid of the gas.
Say "urine egger" five times fast.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
If McDonald's is fast food, then Dairy Queen is fast cream.
Why is 10 afraid?
Because he next to 9 and 11.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”