Shit jokes

I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"

Boy: "Mister, can I get candy?"

Mister: No, you shit head.

Boy: Why? :(

Mister: Because I'm not your dad.

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Timmy: *grabs box of Trojans*

Daddy:...

Timmy: Well come on diddy!

Daddy: Well shit lets go son!

Both: YEE YEE

SWEET HOME ALABAMA

"Dick dick dick, fuck dick nugget shit."

You need to fuck off with this website. It's shit.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking heard the song "Gangster's Paradise." Oh, shit, he can't!

A man gets an email from his doctor.

"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?

You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!

More about Quinn: He loves Robin. He loves his tight ass. He licks up all his shit after Taco Bell.

This shit is disgusting but funny.

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

"Together we can stop this shit."

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

Why can’t the turd fart? Because it already shitted!