I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions...
Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.
Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?
Doctor: They Are For You.!!
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
Why did the library book go to the doctor? -- It needed to be checked out.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression. It’s called Enditol.
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks... "Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says "doctor I have a confession". The doctor asks "what is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis". The doctor looks at her and asks "anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies "no, just a penis".
A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient. The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient". Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants. Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage. After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control. Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?" The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."
A man gets an email from his doctor
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tommarrow"
The man thinks to himself "oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
What do you call a Russian pharmacist? 'Ivan Astichestykov,
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a viagra, Jill was drunk fell to her knee, Jack had his chance did Jill till 3
Why can't people in africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach
to whoever stole my antidepressants,why do you need them
imagine this senario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses,diseases,etc in the world but cooler like this: "bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc" and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.
Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.
