Shit jokes

Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"

To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."

Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."

The police said "How old are you?"

Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.

Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"

Ur mum smells like shit, yeah, so she sucks a man off and washing machine. Yo, don’t at me, yeah, you chicken breath.

I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.

The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"

That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.

What do rednecks and deaf people have in common?

Don’t care wtf you say or listen to shit you say😂

A man attacked me with cheese and milk. How dairy!

Your mama is so ugly, she doesn't have to flush the toilet. She already scared the shit out of it.

You are so ugly Santa goes "ho ho ho holy sh*t."

Your mom is so fat Santa Claus came down and said, "Ho ho holy shit!"

I hope you never find out whether that pressure in your ass is a fart or a shit.

What's still together after all the sh*t they've been through? Your butt cheeks.

Fortnite battle pass, I just shit out my ass. The school: You did what?

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.

Shitmate: You’re so shitable.

Me: Bring banana ice cream.

Shitmate: Never happening.

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

What did the dinosaur say to the man?

It didn’t, they're dead.

Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?

Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?

A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."

He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."

He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."

He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"

How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?

'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"