Shit jokes

You are so ugly Santa goes "ho ho ho holy sh*t."

Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?

Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

What did the dinosaur say to the man?

It didn’t, they're dead.

Your mama is so ugly, she doesn't have to flush the toilet. She already scared the shit out of it.

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"

Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*

Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.

Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?

!!️!!️HOLY FUCKING 🖕👦 SHIT!!️!!️!!️!!️ IS THAT A MOTHERFUCKING 👩💞 AMONG 💰 US 🇺🇸 REFERENCE??????!!!!!!!!!!11!1!1!1!1!1!1 😱! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 AMONG 💑👨‍❤️‍👨👩‍❤️‍👩 US 👨 IS THE BEST 👌💯 FUCKING 💦🍆👀 GAME 🎮 🔥🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯💯 RED 🔴 IS SO SUSSSSS 🕵️🕵️🕵️🕵️🕵️🕵️🕵️🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥 COME 💦🏃🏃‍♀️ TO MEDBAY AND WATCH 👀 ME SCAN 👀 🏥🏥🏥🏥🏥🏥🏥🏥 🏥🏥🏥🏥 WHY 😡🤔 IS NO ⚠🚫 ONE 1️⃣ FIXING 👾 O2 🅾 🤬😡🤬😡🤬😡🤬🤬😡🤬🤬😡 OH 🙀 YOUR 👉 CREWMATE? NAME 📛 EVERY 💯 TASK 📋 🔫😠🔫😠🔫😠🔫😠 Where Any sus!❓ ❓ Where!❓ ❓ Where! Any sus!❓ Where! ❓ Any sus!❓ ❓ Any sus 🌈🏳️‍🌈! ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ Where!Where!Where! Any sus!Where!Any sus 🌈🏳️‍🌈 Where!❓ Where! ❓ Where!Any sus❓ ❓ Any sus 💦! ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ Where! ❓ Where! ❓ Any sus!❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ Any sus 🌈🏳️‍🌈! ❓ ❓ Where!❓ Any sus 💦! ❓ ❓ Where!❓ ❓ Where! ❓ Where!Where! ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ Any sus!❓ ❓ ❓ Any sus!❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ Where! ❓ Where! Where!Any sus!Where! Where! ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ I 👥 think 🤔 it was purple!👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀It wasnt me I 👁 was in vents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

The clock struck one!

Then down did come!

Hickory dickory doc

What am I?

Random- a mouse?

Me- no dumb shit!

Random- what is it?

Me- the guillotine!

This isn't a joke, but in some countries, children eat their shit for better digestion when constipated.

Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."

Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."

Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"

Ex-girlfriend: "20!"

Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."

Kariana: Dad and mom, what is this bullshit?

Treon: How did you find that?!

Kariana: It was under the cabinet where you told me to put the streamers. I found these under the cabinet, did she have another sister you didn't tell me about? Now tell the truth, or else!

Petina: Now what have we told you about going into things that are not yours!

Kariana: I just told you to say the fricking truth, now who is Faineni? Where is she? Who is she? What is her date of birth? Why do I have her bra under here and why....IS IT UNDER THE FRICKING CABINET!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!

Treon: We can't!

Kariana: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!

Why do people consume "Laxatives"?

Answer: So that they can take a "Shit", STUPID!

A butt saw the toilet and said, "Shit, I'm sick!"

My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.

Why do birds fly upside down over Poland?

There's nothing worth shitting on.

My dad called me as I said I shit in my sister's mouth. Impossible? Nope.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"

Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?

His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.

*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.

LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!

Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.

Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?