My roasts aren't funny at least this shit gets me money
My dad called me as i said i shit in my sisters mouth. Impossible? Nope.
me:*gives her 5 dollars* climb that flag pole cute female:*takes the money and goes up the flag pole* is this good me:hell yeah thats a nice veiw *next day* heres 10 dollars if u do it again *she goes up there* me:hows the veiw *she goes home and her mom sees the money* her mom:where u getting this money her daughter:i climbed a flagpole her mom:you know he just want u to to see ur panties right *she goes back and does it again but doesnt wear panties* me:holy shit ;-; her mom:did u do it again her daughter:dont worry mom he didnt get to see my panties her mom:...
There were 30 high school seniors taking finals, and once they finished, the teacher, Mrs Jones walked up and down the classroom to collect the tests, and asked "so, are you guys ready for college?" And Brian answered "no way. School is just a waste of time, every day taking *seven cruel hours of our lives*." Angela replied "never! Like Brian said, school is just a waste of time, and the next level is surely not worth paying $50,000 for. Besides, math class is *mental abuse to humans*!" And Jack said "school has been a waste of so much time I'll never get back, and after these *finals* I've realized...*fuck, I never actually learned shit*!"
Boy:"Mister can i get candy" Mister:No You shit head Boy:Why?:( Mister:Because i'm not your dad
Man goes to a doctor says he's having problems shitting so the doctor gives him so enama and says he needs to do it a few times at home but does the first one for him so the guy bends over the table lubs him up and shoves it deep in him and he yells. so later the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enama so he bends over she lubs him up puts a hand on his shouler and she shoves it up there and he starts screaming and cussing and the wife asks did I hurt u? He said no I just realized when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders
Shit if somebody invades America the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go. We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets have become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out? Hell the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have comedy central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the united states. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.
Jesus is what he eats! Shit!
Me: God Bryce do we really have to talk about this again? Bryce: what? Me: Your still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3! P.S. I'm a girl
Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you Me: At least I have a brain unlike you Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella? Bully: How would you know that? Me: Because she told me herself Bully: How exactly? Me: She's on the phone right now Phone: *High pitched animal noises* Me: Told you so
SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. Shit. My mum was like what did you just say child??? Sister: I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh...... Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...
My sister made some pie and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... This pie is very sugarplum-y. She said what do you mean by that? I said It tastes like sugarplums...
3 guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet and the psycho one says "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have"
The first guy says "Ha! My girlfriend has 6! I'm racked up!" The second guy said "Eh, I am happy with 2 balls" The third guy said "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says "Bro you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?:
YO THREE KID'S PLAY HIDE IN GO SEEK THEIR NAME'S ARE TROUBLE MANNERS AND SHUTUP SHUTUP HIT THE POLICE STATION MANNERS HIT THE TRASHCAN TROUBLE IS THE SEEKER WHEN THEY GO AND HIDE AND ALL THAT SHIT THE POLICE MAN COME'S UP TO SHUT UP AND GOES HEY KID WHAT'S YOUR NAME WELL SHUTUP LOOK'S AT HIM AND GOES SHUTUP POLICE MAN SAY'S EXCUSE ME KID WERE'S YOUR MANNERS AT SHUT UP GOES OH MANNERS IN THE TRASH POLICE MAN GOES OH MANNERS IN THE TRASH AND THEN POLICE MAN GOES HEY KID ARE U LOOKING FOR TROUBLE THEN SHUTUP GOES AND SAY'S NO TROUBLE'S LOOKING FOR ME
Onna day Imma going to Malta to bigga hotel In the morning I go downa to eat breakfast, I tell the waitress I want to pieces of toast, She brings me only one piece, I tell her I want to piece, She sais: "go to the toilet", I say: "you nounderstand", I wanna piece on my plate, she says: "you better not piss on your plate you son of a bitch", I don't even know the lady and she calls me a son of a bitch
I don't need this shit!!
Later, I go to eata at the bigga restaurant, the waitress brings me a spoon and a knive, but no fork, I tell her i wanted a fork, she tella me everyone wanna fuck, i tell: "you don't understand, I wanna fork on my table", she says: "you better not fuck on the table you son of a bitch", I don't even know the lady and she calls me a son of a bitch
I dont need this shit!
So I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed, call the manager and telling him I wanna a sheet, he tella me go to the toilet, I say: "you don't understand, I wanna sheet on my bed", he says: "you better not shit on my bed you son of a bitch",
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk says 'peace on you', I say 'piss on you too you son of a bitch, Im going back to Italia, ariva derchi'
I don't need this shit!
Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent
Timmy:*grabs box of trojans* Daddy:... Timmy: Well come on diddy! Daddy: Well shit lets go son! Both: YEE YEE
SWEET HOME ALABAMA
ICEBERG.you may know me Titanic.you are a sucker Iceberg. You hit me Titanic.moron Iceberg.waaaaaaaaaa Titanic.I don’t give a shit
when a white person says the n word
black people: yall mother fu...rs aint gonna believe dis shit
