Shit jokes

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.

You know shit is going down when anything pumped up kicks related is brought into school.

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

When someone keeps talking while you are trying to focus on something, what is the rudest thing you can say to them?

SHUT UP!!!

What's the difference between a rapist's mouth and a sewer?

Nothing, they both spout shit.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

What do you call a zoo with no dogs? A shit zoo! 😂😂😂😂😂

I think democracy is a scam. I love men and I love you. I love men and I love you. I love my dog. He won't sleep inside and I shitted my pants. I peed my pants. I smell bad. I took a shower and my dog was like, "Oh my god." I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh my god," and then I was like, "I shitted again" and he was like, "Bark bark," cause he's a dog. Thanks for listening.

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

Why does Adam buy airsoft guns, you might ask?

To defend himself against his own father... his life must be shit.

What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guy's asshole?

He said, "Fuck this shit!"

Why does Donald Trump smell like dog shit? Cuz he's a dawg!

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

I don't give two shits about how evil these are. They're funny.

Yo mama is so ugly, she scared the sh*t out of the toilet.

You get a deep voice, you shit talk to 5 year olds.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and everyone is trying to shit on ya.

Bully: You are a piece of shit.

Person: No, I'm not a piece, and I'm not brown... so no, honey.