She jokes

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Yo mama so fat, when she bought a fur coat, she made a whole species extinct.

Yo mama so ugly, when she tried to enter an ugly contest, they said they didn't allow professionals.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Did you know Helen Keller had a sister?

Neither did she.