Sex jokes

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So one time, poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag. OK, I’m joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.

What do the names Alan and Jordan have in common?

An.

You ever had sex with a woman that is so fat, it counted as a threesome?

My joke is about Archer, riddles, sex life. Wait, sorry, there is none.

Thanks for reading Archer’s love life story.

If they made a movie about your sex life, what would it be?

In Afghanistan, it would be "Twelve Years a Slave!" 🤣

Roses are red, I have a confession:

A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

What's thick, 12 inches, and in your mum's throat?

My penis.

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

What do you do after fucking the loosest pussy ever?

Close the casket.

I suck poop in my butthole, aka porn.

What's wrong with 89?

You blow me and I owe you one.

Suc my dic

Now I know what my priest meant by the second coming!

When's the only time a rapeboat is quiet? When he got his uncle's cock in his mouth.

How do fuck a really fat chick?

Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.