Sex jokes

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."

Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!

What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?

If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...

She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.

So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

Why are vaginas and the Mariana Trench similar? Lots of seamen go missing there.

What is the difference between a woman performing anilingus on a man and a woman performing fellatio on a man?

If a woman is performing anilingus on a man, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!

Why do vegetarians give anonymous blowjobs at the glory hole at an adult book store? Because they don't want anybody to find out that they like meat.

A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"

The woman replies, "No, why?"

The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."

How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.