Sex jokes

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

What's the leading cause of pedophilia? Sexy children.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?

They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.

When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒