Sex jokes
Why is Johnson’s baby shampoo the best lubricant for anal sex?
- No more tears.
How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace.
Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semen, and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.
Now that's a hell of a ghost story!
How to trick a gay man into having sex with a woman?
Take a dump on her vagina!
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.
A man ate a bee to mechanical sexting, but he was to be, uh, sex. Bee vagina penis, he want sex but [is] dumb.
SEX
What do lesbian vampires say after sex?
"See you next month."
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Rob, you forgot to pay me for letting you sucky sucky on my thang.
AKA you're for sale.
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
Jack and Jill went up the hill for drunkin' wild sex.
Jack went by Jill to get a lick, and watched Jill get off on a stick.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your dick into someone's asshole.
I have sex daily, I mean dyslexia, fuck!
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."