Sex jokes

So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

Why are vaginas and the Mariana Trench similar? Lots of seamen go missing there.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

Why do vegetarians give anonymous blowjobs at the glory hole at an adult book store? Because they don't want anybody to find out that they like meat.

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...

She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.

A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"

The woman replies, "No, why?"

The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."

Why does a married heterosexual man want an anonymous blowjob at a glory hole inside an adult bookstore?

Because he doesn't want his wife to find out that he got a blowjob from another man.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

What's the leading cause of pedophilia? Sexy children.

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.