Sex jokes

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

Why is Johnson’s baby shampoo the best lubricant for anal sex?

- No more tears.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Little Johnny walked to his parents' room. They were having sex, and Little Johnny didn’t know what that was, so he said, "What are y’all doing?"

The parents replied, "Umm, r-rapping presents!"

Little Johnny said, "Okay," and then left. In the morning, Little Johnny opened his presents. His parents said, "This one is from Santa!"

Little Johnny said, "No, it’s not, y’all said y’all were rapping the presents."

The parents said, "Ohh fuck!"

Little Johnny replied, "What, Mommy and Daddy?" They replied, "Oh, nothing!" "Oh, okay," Little Johnny said. The mom whispered in the dad's ear, "At least he doesn’t know the truth."

Little Johnny said, "What truth?"

I was gonna make a joke about sex, but you won’t get it.

What is black and blue and really hates sex?

The six-year-old in my basement.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

How is sex like air?

It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Why are vegetarians so good at giving head? Because they’re used to having nuts in their mouth.

You should know it's important to wash your sex toys. That's why priests invented baptism.

How do lesbians have sex? It’s too complicated. I’d have to show you.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Man: Did you know pidgins die after having sex?

Woman: No, really?

Man: Well, the one I fucked did...

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Somebody once told me The world is gonna rape me The dick's the hardest part of the body She looked like she's having fun With her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" in her bumhole.

Well, I started cumming And she started cumming Fed with dick, she's in love with bumming Didn't make sense not to live for bum Your dick gets hard, but your ass gets numb.

So much to fuck, so much to suck So what's wrong with eating the asshole? You'll never know if you don't try You'll never taste if you don't lick.

Hey now, you're a porn star Get your sex on, bum pain Hey now, you're a porn star Suck a schlong, ass frail And all that glitters is cum Only sperm heads break the female egg.

It's a gay place and they say it gets gayer You're licking bum now, wait 'til your a bit older But the bent boys beg to differ Judging by the hole in the homeless man's throat.

The sperm in the bath is getting pretty thin The sperms getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on cocaine, how about yours? That's the way I like it and I never get raped!

Hey now, you're a porn star Get your sex on, bum pain Hey now, you're a porn star Suck a willy, ass frale And all that glitters is cum Only sperm heads break the female egg.

If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.

What's funny about sex? I don't get it!