Sex jokes

Uder the sheets.

Under the sheeeets. Me and your mother making your brother.

Under the sheets. Do do do do dododoodoooddododoodo.

SEX KIDS FUCKING VIRGINS

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.

If they made a movie about your sex life, what would the title be?

Mine would be "Alien Vs. Predator."

There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semen, and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.

Now that's a hell of a ghost story!

A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!

What the fuck.

Now I've seen everything.

Jesus got rejected. A few years later he died. He came back just to lose his virginity because even Jesus is not a fucking cunt.

Get off this site and go have some sex, you fucking virgins.

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys. Thank you, Jesus, for creating baptism.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a good year, and one's a great year.

Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

You look at it. You tug on it like a shoe string. You play with it like elastic bubble plastic, but it still never grows.

You smell dirty toenails and pigeon sex.

Dick cheese, booty hole, yellow cum shot, anal shit, dick hole, ass brownies.

In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?

My dick.

Penis, cheese, butt, cum.

How to trick a gay man into having sex with a woman?

Take a dump on her vagina!

(insert funny joke about a dick here).

Did you laugh? Be honest.

What 16 stoner rode a Derby winner?

Lester Piggott's.

"Mmmmmmmm, daddy, f*ck me harder. I love you, daddy, mmmm. I luv your cock, mmmm, lick me, lick my clit, daddy!"