Sex jokes
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the f *ck out of it!
Why do men like big tits and a flat ass?
Because they got little dicks and big mouths.
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
What does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common?
Both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.
Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.
Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Puerto Rican!"
Then the blonde replies, "OMG, you dirty little slut! How many is a Puerto Rican?"
What does a condom and a coffin have in common?
They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.
Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
I'd make a masturbation joke.
But they always get out of hand.
So I found out a rainbow is basically where a guy ejaculates in a female's mouth and she swallows her period juice and they both kiss each other, swishing it together in each other's mouth, and it forms a rainbow.
And a strawberry shortcake is basically where a dude ejaculates on a female's face and then punches her in the nose, causing her to bleed. That's why it's called a strawberry shortcake.
Nutty.
My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace.
If I fantasize about fucking a UCP Cabinet Minister,
Does that mean I'm sexually Conservative?
My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.
Why can't orphans have sex?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Why can't orphans convert to Catholicism?
Because Catholics believe in no sex before marriage.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.