Sex jokes
"Can we do 69?"
"How about 9/11 because we're going to crash tonight?"
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.
Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"
"Yeah, I'm taking her home."
He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."
"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.
(Later)
"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"
What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?
Only one moans when I put my meat in it.
You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.
Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.
Plus, she's too young to smoke.
Why is Johnson’s baby shampoo the best lubricant for anal sex?
- No more tears.
What do both a hooker and a customer have in common? They come onto each other.
What's funny about sex? I don't get it!
What’s the best thing about midgets??
They don’t need to bend while giving blowjobs.
What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
The silence.
What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.
It’s almost take her to Spirit Halloween, and then rail her in a spooky mask season.
Me: What are we doing in HPE?
Friend: Fitness.
Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.
What do you call a dick that doesn't fit in an asshole?
A misfit.
I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.
My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"
So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."
What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?
I beat both of them.