Sex jokes

What do my cock and money have in common?

Your mom.

Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Now I know what my priest meant by the second coming!

Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

What do you call a sad porno?

A tear jerker.

*walks into sex shop*

Hello. I would like to buy 1 sex, please.

My penis is so polite. It stands up so girls can sit down.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Jesse: Do you like my ball?

Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?

Jesse: No, they do not leave me.

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

"Can we do 69?"

"How about 9/11 because we're going to crash tonight?"

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.