Scream jokes

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

What is a ghost's favorite cake?

I scream cake!

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."

So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”

French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What's 10 inches and makes women scream?

Cot death!

Why can't an orphan have sex?

Because they can't scream "daddy!"

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."