What did Earth say to the other planets? -- "You guys have no life!"
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,
"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
A DEPRESSED GUY WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS "CAN I GET SHOT".THE BARTENDER THEN SAYS "YOU MEAN CAN YOU GET A SHOT RIGHT?THE BARTENDER THEN SAYS "WELL..........WHAT DRINK WOULD YOU LIKE?THE DEPRESSED THEN RESPONDS WITH A "NO I REALLY WANT TO GET SHOT.
I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him", so i couldn't do a fatality. I was confused but i understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen. "Are those brownies, I smell?", he asks. "Indeed, they are.", he was told. "Gee", he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts."
"Just say no to drugs!" well, if i'm talking to my drugs, i probably already said yes
They say Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn't cry
What category of music did JFK like. You could say he was a metalhead.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow? "It's pasture bed time."
They say they found water on Mars. Mars 1, Africa 0.
A guy finds a genie...
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names the bartender asks. The American says William Matthews. The Asian says Same Ting
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing eachother and I said excuse where is the bathroom and the man said right over there. I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say "Dad I have to go to school soon"
In Boston we say
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said “ Hey Jill, you wanna?” Jill said yes, unzipped her dress and then they had a “daughta” 🤣
I've sadly received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there's no space on their training programme.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
What did one orphan say to the other? Robin, get in the Batmobile.
