Say jokes
What did one gay sperm say to the other? "You think we’ll find the egg and all this shit?"
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."
An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"
And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"
"Why?" says the bully.
"Because you haven't got a tower."
Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?
A: I'd hit that.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."
You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."
A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."
John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.
Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"
John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"
Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."
What do you say to a depressed person on the ceiling?
Hang in there!
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.