Save jokes

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

A gay rapist saves a female rape victim, then rapes the rapist.

My sister saved a guy from suicide last week.

She was hiking and the guy was on the ridge of a high, narrow cliff. She talked him down, but I think he was just being edgy.

When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.

I was in Portugal enjoying my lunch when I saw a man choking! I wanted to save him, but a local stopped me. “That’s Penandes, he always chokes when it matters most and ghosts in big games.” True enough, Penandes’ Ghost emerged from his body! Poor Penandes, may he get well soon!

Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.

What hit the ground first in a tree, a leaf or an emo kid?

The leaf, because an emo kid got a rope to save him!

I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.

"Eugheugh," said the boy.

For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

Thomas Bulgin loves McDonald's dollars, A man of simple tastes, he hollers, With every visit, his heart does flutter, For golden arches, a fast food lover.

Those crispy fries, so perfectly fried, And burgers stacked, oh so high, The smell of grease, it fills the air, Thomas Bulgin, he'll always be there.

A dollar menu, his saving grace, A feast for him, a smile on his face, He counts his coins, with eager eyes, To savor each bite, a little prize.

In this world of fast-paced lives, Thomas Bulgin, he surely thrives, For in those golden arches, he finds, A moment of joy, that forever binds.

He cares not for gourmet cuisine, Nor fancy plates, fit for a queen, For in his heart, a simple truth, McDonald's dollars, his fountain of youth.

So let him eat, and let him feast, Thomas Bulgin, the fast food beast, For in those golden arches, he's found, A taste of happiness, unbound.

Save the plants, eat a vegan.

Your hairline is so bad, not even God could save it.

How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?

Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.

So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?

I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"

Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?

But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!

Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.

Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?

Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?

I love vegans because they save more meat for us.

7 year old Christian: *walks up to atheist menacingly* YoU nEeD sOmE jEsUs SaViNg!

Atheist: You prey to a Jewish zombie and I need saving?