Said jokes

You are so fat Bob the Builder said, "I can't fix it!" LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

There were two sisters. They said they were supporting nine eleven, so I shot one of the sister's kneecaps, and the other sister got shot in the head.

Someone bullied a disabled person.

The disabled person said they can't stand it.

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

What did the hecadrocophodecadus say to the hopetihopetifuckendecker?

"It didn't happen, but it should have."

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

My dad was in the plane in 9/11, and he was the smart one that convinced everyone. He said, "We're fucked."

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

The woman said stop, but the man kept going, so the wife just kept fucking.

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

The 10 cents said to the 1 cent, "Haha, I make more cents than you!"

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

I tried getting an abortion, but they said, "Sir, this is a pizzeria."

Yo mama so ugly that when she went to an ugly contest, they said she wasn’t allowed because no professionals were allowed.

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answer:

The man said, "He's going to rape the people on the side of the road."

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

A guy in a wheelchair said, "I stand for Boris." But I think he meant he sat for Boris.