Said jokes

Yo mama so ugly that when she went to an ugly contest, they said she wasn’t allowed because no professionals were allowed.

My dad was in the plane in 9/11, and he was the smart one that convinced everyone. He said, "We're fucked."

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

Once upon a time, a man said to a woman, "I want to fuck you."

Kobe played I Spy and he said, "I spy a mountain."

This whole string is really messed up. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. I just heard the audio recording of the crash and it said, "HE'S ON FIRE! BOOM SHAKALAKA!"

You know how they said weight people can't jump? Check out the 9/11 videos.

What did the hecadrocophodecadus say to the hopetihopetifuckendecker?

"It didn't happen, but it should have."

There was a new kid in my school. The first thing the teacher said was, "Me, you, the basement NOW!"

The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.

I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

"Little John, she is fat." How? He said, "Like a pig."

Yo mama is so stupid, when she took a trip to Disneyland and a sign on the highway said “Disney left,” she went home.

My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answer:

The man said, "He's going to rape the people on the side of the road."

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

A guy in a wheelchair said, "I stand for Boris." But I think he meant he sat for Boris.

Why are koalas so cool? Because LL Cool J ama said "knock you out!"

A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.