Said jokes

So fat you're a scale said, "Fat ass."

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said God didn’t exist.

In 2018, God said Stephen Hawking didn’t exist. xx 😂😂

I searched up hornets and then said that it will leave a sting.

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

Thanks Ethan for all you've done. We've both made mistakes when all is said and done, but just thanks for being a good friend. This is officially my last post on here, Ethan-Real 1.

It's often said that people peaked in high school.

I think Trump peaked in kindergarten.

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

I said, "Are you half left or half right?"

"Neither! In-between."

"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"

A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"

The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."

The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.

I bet Steven Hawking $100 if he could catch me.

As soon as he said yes, I climbed up the stairs.

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.