Said jokes

So fat you're a scale said, "Fat ass."

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

A man said his bars are lit. I said no, because mine are fire.

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"

I said, "Yes, I know I am."

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

My friend asked for something dark and creamy. I said..... "GU KHA".

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

Stephen Hawking said there is no God.

2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said God didn’t exist.

In 2018, God said Stephen Hawking didn’t exist. xx 😂😂

I searched up hornets and then said that it will leave a sting.

As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"

I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"

He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"

"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.

Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"